Change of plans...

It's normal to have changes in our life.

When I'm a kid I have a dream to be an astronaut or work in NASA because I really love looking at the sky, learning every planets and believe it or not I memorize every planet size and shit like... no one got time for that lol. I also tried to be a ballerina and I bailed because I hate the costume (I'm pretty sure that was the case because it was a very long time ago). I do modern dance from 6th to 9th grade and still doing dance cover but never post them (don't even ask haha). I played guitar since elementary school too until now actually but at first I wanted to be a drummer but my mom don't agree with drums (probably because it's boys stuff but hell no drums are cool for girls too). Many things I tried and now I'm a design student and trying to be a great designer.

Now what?

I did write a few months ago about wanting to live in Seoul, and after thinking about stuff, I realized 'why did I suddenly choose Seoul?', my whole life I've been a fan of Europe countries, my first ever country that I dream of living in is England. Where the fuck did Seoul came from? lmfaooooo...... My friends always said to dream big, and Seoul is not big enough. Now that I think about it again, I really wanna go to Brighton and just England... England is so beautiful, that is the first reason why I choose international university because I want to go to Northumbria but my stupid ass just failed at some shit and can't go, so I decided to just take a winter program in south korea, just taking any chance I have before I regret it (again). Also other than England, I really wanna go to Italy, I'm learning the language for months already but still suck.

And other than planing to moving out from the country, I have this stupid random hope to be a pro dota player. I KNOW, I KNOW, don't judge me hahaha.... ha......

I've been playing that game for almost 3 years now and I know that's still not enough, I'm a fan of Evil Geniuses and Arteezy so wherever Arteezy is I'll be a fan of that team lol but no not really, I love EG more than any team. When I play dota, I never get bored and always learn something new. It's just a great way to refresh myself and build up my gaming skills without socializing with people.

I know, I have a problem.

I don't even know what's the point writing all this, it can change in a year or maybe tomorrow. But for the very least, I have hope for the future.

Depression

Today I have an afternoon class for only 2 hours, I woke up feeling so shitty and as always, unmotivated.

These past few weeks has been a disaster for me not because I failed at something (probably I do) but because there are so many things going on that I don't have time to take care of myself mentally. I have a high tolerance towards stress but this time I totally can't take it anymore. I never show my weakness to anyone, even my best friends but I did talk to some of my friends about it in a discussion way where I don't whine and just talk about how hectic my life is and how I'm tired but I'm okay.

I am not okay.

I have a final exam coming and my environment is not inspiring, I usually go out on my own to do my assignment but I'm at the point where I don't wanna see people whoever it is, I just want to be alone. So I keep myself in my room and do things from there. I play games as a break and sometimes chat or call my friends. Sometimes I go out, not really, I go out a bunch of times and forcing myself to keep in touch with my friends. Which is very torturing... I'm just being fake.

My skin is breaking (again) of course, I can't sleep but when I sleep, I slept for 12 hours and can't get out of my bed. Some days I look into the mirror and cried, some days I don't wanna interact with anyone even my mom. All I do was thinking, my mind is full of things I can't even understand, I think too much, that is my problem.

I'm just a mess right now. Some guys chat and call me but I pushed them away because of my insecurities, I don't know, the problems are too many. I have to deal with finals, making my own visa and try not to fuck up everything. Maybe after in korea I will be better, I hope so.

I did a very nice job a few months ago with my sleeping, eating and exercising habit. I did eat and exercise too now but my sleep ruins everything. I don't eat beef and pork anymore, I only eat chicken sometimes and mainly fish. I don't know what went wrong. I wish I could be better soon, and I hope people would understand more.

My wish this year is to fix myself, taking a winter program is gonna be my getaway and my chance to find something I don't have or I'm missing. Let's just hope that everything goes well.

Actually, nothing can be done to me by anyone else, I need to spent time alone since I spent so many years socializing and partying all the time since junior high. Maybe this is the period where I'm sick and tired of everything and I'm glad I did all the badass shit early, now I know how it feels and now I know what to avoid and what I have to do... So nothing to worry about.