I wish

Too much to ask

Never get full

Always hungry

Yet it's a waste of food if I eat it

Because in the end of the day

I never get full

This post is legit about food.

Ok, I'm kidding. It's a metaphor of disaster.

I wish everything was simple, live life normally, go to some school, eat something when you're hungry, and meet people you wanna meet.

or...

Meet a cute guy on tinder when I'm in Korea and start chatting and just meet or be friends or be something. I just wish meeting new people is as easy as the old days or in other country. It feels nice to have someone new and experience new good or shitty things with those people. But thinking in my room alone, I've always think that it's a waste of time because here I am being anti-social and playing games all the time in my free time or go to 24 hours cafe to waste my time not at home.

The point is, I need to motivate myself more. Period.

Change of plans...

It's normal to have changes in our life.

When I'm a kid I have a dream to be an astronaut or work in NASA because I really love looking at the sky, learning every planets and believe it or not I memorize every planet size and shit like... no one got time for that lol. I also tried to be a ballerina and I bailed because I hate the costume (I'm pretty sure that was the case because it was a very long time ago). I do modern dance from 6th to 9th grade and still doing dance cover but never post them (don't even ask haha). I played guitar since elementary school too until now actually but at first I wanted to be a drummer but my mom don't agree with drums (probably because it's boys stuff but hell no drums are cool for girls too). Many things I tried and now I'm a design student and trying to be a great designer.

Now what?

I did write a few months ago about wanting to live in Seoul, and after thinking about stuff, I realized 'why did I suddenly choose Seoul?', my whole life I've been a fan of Europe countries, my first ever country that I dream of living in is England. Where the fuck did Seoul came from? lmfaooooo...... My friends always said to dream big, and Seoul is not big enough. Now that I think about it again, I really wanna go to Brighton and just England... England is so beautiful, that is the first reason why I choose international university because I want to go to Northumbria but my stupid ass just failed at some shit and can't go, so I decided to just take a winter program in south korea, just taking any chance I have before I regret it (again). Also other than England, I really wanna go to Italy, I'm learning the language for months already but still suck.

And other than planing to moving out from the country, I have this stupid random hope to be a pro dota player. I KNOW, I KNOW, don't judge me hahaha.... ha......

I've been playing that game for almost 3 years now and I know that's still not enough, I'm a fan of Evil Geniuses and Arteezy so wherever Arteezy is I'll be a fan of that team lol but no not really, I love EG more than any team. When I play dota, I never get bored and always learn something new. It's just a great way to refresh myself and build up my gaming skills without socializing with people.

I know, I have a problem.

I don't even know what's the point writing all this, it can change in a year or maybe tomorrow. But for the very least, I have hope for the future.

Depression

Today I have an afternoon class for only 2 hours, I woke up feeling so shitty and as always, unmotivated.

These past few weeks has been a disaster for me not because I failed at something (probably I do) but because there are so many things going on that I don't have time to take care of myself mentally. I have a high tolerance towards stress but this time I totally can't take it anymore. I never show my weakness to anyone, even my best friends but I did talk to some of my friends about it in a discussion way where I don't whine and just talk about how hectic my life is and how I'm tired but I'm okay.

I am not okay.

I have a final exam coming and my environment is not inspiring, I usually go out on my own to do my assignment but I'm at the point where I don't wanna see people whoever it is, I just want to be alone. So I keep myself in my room and do things from there. I play games as a break and sometimes chat or call my friends. Sometimes I go out, not really, I go out a bunch of times and forcing myself to keep in touch with my friends. Which is very torturing... I'm just being fake.

My skin is breaking (again) of course, I can't sleep but when I sleep, I slept for 12 hours and can't get out of my bed. Some days I look into the mirror and cried, some days I don't wanna interact with anyone even my mom. All I do was thinking, my mind is full of things I can't even understand, I think too much, that is my problem.

I'm just a mess right now. Some guys chat and call me but I pushed them away because of my insecurities, I don't know, the problems are too many. I have to deal with finals, making my own visa and try not to fuck up everything. Maybe after in korea I will be better, I hope so.

I did a very nice job a few months ago with my sleeping, eating and exercising habit. I did eat and exercise too now but my sleep ruins everything. I don't eat beef and pork anymore, I only eat chicken sometimes and mainly fish. I don't know what went wrong. I wish I could be better soon, and I hope people would understand more.

My wish this year is to fix myself, taking a winter program is gonna be my getaway and my chance to find something I don't have or I'm missing. Let's just hope that everything goes well.

Actually, nothing can be done to me by anyone else, I need to spent time alone since I spent so many years socializing and partying all the time since junior high. Maybe this is the period where I'm sick and tired of everything and I'm glad I did all the badass shit early, now I know how it feels and now I know what to avoid and what I have to do... So nothing to worry about.