I wish

Too much to ask

Never get full

Always hungry

Yet it's a waste of food if I eat it

Because in the end of the day

I never get full

This post is legit about food.

Ok, I'm kidding. It's a metaphor of disaster.

I wish everything was simple, live life normally, go to some school, eat something when you're hungry, and meet people you wanna meet.

or...

Meet a cute guy on tinder when I'm in Korea and start chatting and just meet or be friends or be something. I just wish meeting new people is as easy as the old days or in other country. It feels nice to have someone new and experience new good or shitty things with those people. But thinking in my room alone, I've always think that it's a waste of time because here I am being anti-social and playing games all the time in my free time or go to 24 hours cafe to waste my time not at home.

The point is, I need to motivate myself more. Period.

Change of plans...

It's normal to have changes in our life.

When I'm a kid I have a dream to be an astronaut or work in NASA because I really love looking at the sky, learning every planets and believe it or not I memorize every planet size and shit like... no one got time for that lol. I also tried to be a ballerina and I bailed because I hate the costume (I'm pretty sure that was the case because it was a very long time ago). I do modern dance from 6th to 9th grade and still doing dance cover but never post them (don't even ask haha). I played guitar since elementary school too until now actually but at first I wanted to be a drummer but my mom don't agree with drums (probably because it's boys stuff but hell no drums are cool for girls too). Many things I tried and now I'm a design student and trying to be a great designer.

Now what?

I did write a few months ago about wanting to live in Seoul, and after thinking about stuff, I realized 'why did I suddenly choose Seoul?', my whole life I've been a fan of Europe countries, my first ever country that I dream of living in is England. Where the fuck did Seoul came from? lmfaooooo...... My friends always said to dream big, and Seoul is not big enough. Now that I think about it again, I really wanna go to Brighton and just England... England is so beautiful, that is the first reason why I choose international university because I want to go to Northumbria but my stupid ass just failed at some shit and can't go, so I decided to just take a winter program in south korea, just taking any chance I have before I regret it (again). Also other than England, I really wanna go to Italy, I'm learning the language for months already but still suck.

And other than planing to moving out from the country, I have this stupid random hope to be a pro dota player. I KNOW, I KNOW, don't judge me hahaha.... ha......

I've been playing that game for almost 3 years now and I know that's still not enough, I'm a fan of Evil Geniuses and Arteezy so wherever Arteezy is I'll be a fan of that team lol but no not really, I love EG more than any team. When I play dota, I never get bored and always learn something new. It's just a great way to refresh myself and build up my gaming skills without socializing with people.

I know, I have a problem.

I don't even know what's the point writing all this, it can change in a year or maybe tomorrow. But for the very least, I have hope for the future.

Depression

Today I have an afternoon class for only 2 hours, I woke up feeling so shitty and as always, unmotivated.

These past few weeks has been a disaster for me not because I failed at something (probably I do) but because there are so many things going on that I don't have time to take care of myself mentally. I have a high tolerance towards stress but this time I totally can't take it anymore. I never show my weakness to anyone, even my best friends but I did talk to some of my friends about it in a discussion way where I don't whine and just talk about how hectic my life is and how I'm tired but I'm okay.

I am not okay.

I have a final exam coming and my environment is not inspiring, I usually go out on my own to do my assignment but I'm at the point where I don't wanna see people whoever it is, I just want to be alone. So I keep myself in my room and do things from there. I play games as a break and sometimes chat or call my friends. Sometimes I go out, not really, I go out a bunch of times and forcing myself to keep in touch with my friends. Which is very torturing... I'm just being fake.

My skin is breaking (again) of course, I can't sleep but when I sleep, I slept for 12 hours and can't get out of my bed. Some days I look into the mirror and cried, some days I don't wanna interact with anyone even my mom. All I do was thinking, my mind is full of things I can't even understand, I think too much, that is my problem.

I'm just a mess right now. Some guys chat and call me but I pushed them away because of my insecurities, I don't know, the problems are too many. I have to deal with finals, making my own visa and try not to fuck up everything. Maybe after in korea I will be better, I hope so.

I did a very nice job a few months ago with my sleeping, eating and exercising habit. I did eat and exercise too now but my sleep ruins everything. I don't eat beef and pork anymore, I only eat chicken sometimes and mainly fish. I don't know what went wrong. I wish I could be better soon, and I hope people would understand more.

My wish this year is to fix myself, taking a winter program is gonna be my getaway and my chance to find something I don't have or I'm missing. Let's just hope that everything goes well.

Actually, nothing can be done to me by anyone else, I need to spent time alone since I spent so many years socializing and partying all the time since junior high. Maybe this is the period where I'm sick and tired of everything and I'm glad I did all the badass shit early, now I know how it feels and now I know what to avoid and what I have to do... So nothing to worry about.

24/Seven

Shit. I don't know where to start...

I have this group of friends where we fangirl together and talk about anything and everything from family, guys, beliefs and even sex issues. So no lies, just us sharing things without judging each other.

How do we know each other?
Again, BTS related. I join this fandom app, it's like a social media for armys. Not many of my friends know BTS back then so I tried to find friends to talk to about them by making kakao group. So many people joined and the group is very noisy everyday we have like 999+ chat then as time goes by, there are only few of us are active in the group and kakao group kinda suck 'cause it's very heavy and some of us can't chat and send pictures normally so we decided to make Line group instead and there are only 8 of us and that's when we get to know more about each other.

What is 24/Seven?
We actually make this name together, the 24/Seven name itself literally means 24/7 because we all have different timezone so we chat everyday at any time. Also, BTS often use 24/7 in their lyric, since we all armys, we agree to name our group 24/Seven.

Now the sweet part, I'm going to describe all the group members and what every single one of them meant to me.

1. Monika
She's basically the "leader" 'cause she's the oldest and she's my "roommate", haha. Also her bias is Rap Monster, so we all agree to respect her as the leader. I call her Monie unnie, for me Monie is a very reliable person. I could talk to her about anything without being scared to be judged. I talk to her about my problems and she could give me the exact words that I need to hear at that time. She knows how to calm us down and she's also not easy to fool since we do prank a lot. Monie lives in the US and I think she's a smart person 'cause she basically knows about everything.

2. Sibel
Shib is what I called her and she's the dorkiest person I've ever known. She sends weird selfie of herself and also do weird videos, lmao. But she's also one of the closest one to me, She's in UK right now (when I start writting this but now she's back to her home country) but she lives in Switzerland. I talk about so many things to Shib and she knows how to take care of people too. In the group I fight with her a lot but of course not seriously but it's just like fighting with a big sister. She's funny and annoying.

3. NJ
NJ lives the closest to me, she live in Philippines. So we're the only asian in the group (lol who cares). She's so chubby and cute, well the best word to describe her is cute. She's one year younger than me, we also talk about anything. She's so caring and a very kind person. She shares a lot about herself in group, also asking our opinion about everything. She's a very "loyal" fan of Jimin, haha I think Jimin himself also resembles what NJ is like they both cute and fluffy. It 's very nice to have her in the group.

4. Nicole
I called her Nico and she lives in Brazil. She's rude and a perv. Haha just kidding. I don't really know how to describe her specifically but what I know best is that she's very pretty, she also very smart, she learns chinese, japanese, and many other language that I don't remember. She's pretty active in her real life but she always give her time to talk in the group, she also love killing us with spamming BTS pictures pft... She's just one year younger than me and she's also love cats.

5. Sarah
Shar is an evil witch, she's so evil that she have this dark aura that attracts weird guys stranger... HAHA well I am not wrong but that's obvs a joke. We call her evil because she likes to tell evil jokes and most of all she's actually very pretty. She lives in egypt and she's very good at drawing. We talk about everything in personal message a lot too just about everything that is not really important. She's also younger than me, and very funny sometimes because she's freakin' dumb lololol sorry Shar but you fell for our pranks most of the time. She really can light up the chat.

6. Maria
Mari is the second youngest in the group (14yo) and actually the very first person that join the group and survived until now haha. She's very active and love to rap and sing when we're in a voice call, she lives in Denmark and have a very beautiful eyes in my opinion. She always break the convo with song lyrics and love to do prank. She's just a very precious kid lmao. I'm so glad we have her, kid to take care of also we help her a little bit on her homework too (so cute). It's like having a cute little sister.

7. Shamsa
Last one is our youngest member, Shamsa. She lives in UAE and a very busy kid. She's not around that much which is of course a good thing since most of the group members are anti-social people lmfao. I really love her voice, she can sing very well and also very funny. This kid is a bit perv... I admit haha, we have this 18+ group for the elders of course she's not in it since she's only 14 (?) but she just casually talk about perv things in the main group chat. Oh well...

Not much really to say about them and this is actually too much for a group of friends that never met in real life haha. I am sooooo glad I have them in my life right now. They also thanked me a lot too for making the group. Maria keep tracking the time to remind us about our friendship anniversary (which I find sooooo cute and sweet) and we almost on our 1st year now, I hope we could be friends until forever and of course they motivate me to do my best so that someday we all could meet and be an actual bestfriends in real life.

Feels...

Okay, this one is gonna be very personal and deep.

I've been having issues and anxiety this past few weeks. I can't sleep and I'm eating like a pig but the next day I don't eat at all, so on so forth. I don't know what I've been thinking about, but everytime my friends ask me how I'm doing, well I'm doing just fine. But then I know there's something wrong with me, it's just so hard to explain.

Few days ago I deactivate my old facebook account with the reason that I'm too lazy to remove my "unknown" friends. But that wasn't the case, lol. Since I played this Touch game, I make so many new friends but surprisingly only few of them are real. I don't expect anything from a friend but reading all the drama and scandal people have on social media makes me realise how pathetic they are and I ask to myself "don't they have any real friends to talk to rather than share it to the world?". I did share my personal scandal once on facebook and that only because the person deserves it. And just now I just realised I wasted my few seconds to write that shit HAHA.

Ok, moving on.

Regarding to my condition, my current state is very complicated. It's like having a mental illness but yet I'm normal. What is normal anyway? pft. So my issue is that I push people away, so many guys reaching out to me but I didn't look at them like at all. My close friend said to me the other day that I've been known to be very arrogant and dearly plush. Well the second word maybe a compliment but arrogant? Only people who knows me know that I'm not that kind of person. But it gets me how I want to be alone and I am for exactly a year already. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend, but I want someone who has his own thing already and not giving shit about what I do everyday yet understands my deepest darkest personality. I don't want to be the clingy girlfriend, I don't want to wait around my boyfriend to text me and mad if he doesn't. I don't want my boyfriend to always look for me 'cause I'm busy or I'm just a loner. I need a busy guy who give his precious time to visit me in the middle of the night for only 1 to 2 hours just to say he loves me and just to see me eating or do some shit.

I know that's too much to ask but I can't find a guy when I'm only a girl. That's why I've been working so hard these days to take care of myself and try to be more independent in a case where I don't financially need my mom anymore and I really want to live somewhere, anywhere but here.

For friends, I don't need many. They come and go as they like, luckily I'm not a sensitive person so I don't care. BUT, I do care about my 24/Seven squad which I'm going to write in my next post because they're just special.

Buona notte a tutti~

Buona notte~

Hi hi... long time no see~ *sings iKON* teehee

so it's night time and I feel sick which is a good thing for me 'cause then I have time to write again since I'm so busy catching up with friends and making my brand this summer holiday. sigh.

Nothing special going on as usual.

So this holiday, I started to make some new steps. I was soooo lazy to do anything since it's holiday and it's my only chance to actually sleep for a month and nobody cares. But I have the motivation to make a brand so I did it. Me and my crew meet-up once a week if possible and we already have a few artworks up on our instagram, finallyyyy.... I hope the brand turns out great and I can continue using it to express myself.

Second thing is... I don't really know but I'm going to talk about my phone. I've been living in a cave for weeks now since I broke my phone. It was very stressful at first 'cause I have class and I have meeting every week also I need some catching up to do... But surprisingly I can survive without my phone haha. I could literally do whatever I want without having the burden to check my phone and of course my mom can't call me when I'm hanging out with my friends which she only did when I came home very late without telling her, lmao.

Then the last (not really) thing is about my fangirling life. So this blog is literally about me and BTS most of the time is about BTS but yeah I'm still crazy about them. BUT! I just changed my bias. I know it's a weird thing to do for some of the fanatic fangirl out there to change bias, it's like cheating on your boyfriend blablabla... But yeah, I'm over Park Jimin and now I'm all over Min Yoongi. Not because his mixtape is out a few days ago, and I'm not gonna explain shit 'cause I'm not good at it.

And also about the BTS merch that I'm planning to do after I finished my stickers. Well Jimin is fucking blonde right now I really want to make a merch with their newest look so I'm waiting for their new photos now that their concert is finished. I'm looking forward to their shows.

BYE~

Leave BTS alone!

Whoever hates BTS, I want you guys to leave them alone. And just so you know, Bangtan were born to be who they are now. I don't have many things to da because I have this few pictures that could make all the haters shut the fuck up.

I still don't know who wrote this, but whoever it is, I want to thank him/her for writting such thing and I want him/her to know that I love it *lol*

Bangtan just finished their first ever epilogue concert, I really hope I could fly to Bangkok so I can attend their concert since Indonesia didn't get to the list and I don't care anyway. I actually want them to canceled few of their concert because their schedule is too much :(

And tomorrow will be the 2nd day of the concert in Seoul and tonight "Save Me" MV will be out. So many things happening in Bangtan Land right now and thanks to my 24/7 friends (a line group of armys that I really love) I can keep up with everything.

Bangtan fighting!